100km/h to no where

They repaved the long stretch of highway between my house and where my sister lives with her husband. I drove home late tonight after visiting them and the road was so black that, except for the spotted yellow line, it seemed I was driving 100km/h to no where. I flickered around with the radio station and decided on country music after finding that my favorite station, which usually plays jazz, made the unfortunate decision to go techno. After a while I turned off the noise altogether; I wasn't terribly exhausted, I could stay awake and use the silence to think. There's been a part of me missing lately. I know because I'm not happy like I used to be. I don't have the same positive outlook and I'm not contagiously joyful like people used to say I am. My muscles in my shoulders get tight and I constantly have to remind my limbs to relax in their place. I used to wake up every morning and make myself coffee at 6:30am. Then I'd find a quiet spot and stare outside as the sun came up, or as the dew dripped of blades of grass. And I would pray. I would rewrite the psalms that David wrote and be so invigorated by the truth of the words. I would tell God that the day was his and that I wanted to live it by his wisdom. I would sit with Jesus and remember how much he loves me. I would then live the rest of the day with joy. I would be the hugbug and make sure people knew they were seen and loved. I would pray with people after we shared mutually about how life has been lately. I would work hard and be dedicated.
I don't think God is angry with me. I don't think he is disappointed in the decisions I've made lately...but I think he misses me and our talks together. I think I do too. I think I need to settle in here. My transition from community living to my parents doorstep is quite a change. I didn't grow up here. I don't feel those deep bonds with anyone just yet. I feel a little like I'm living out of a mental suitcase: unsettled, messy, temporary? I don't know what God has in store for me here. But driving home into that nothingness tonight made me want to unpack, to feel like I was actually going somewhere...home even. I know I need to stop making excuses about how hard it is for me right now, how other people should make the effort and reach out to me. This happens quite a lot, people reaching out I mean. But then I never really feel like I'm giving back. I want to contribute. I want to feel like there is mutual exchange. I want to wake up in the morning and take the time to see beauty before going into a world where ugly things happen. I guess I'm writing this because I want to move forward and accept my circumstances. It won't be a walk in the park, but the sooner I sort through that mental suitcase and create places for each item in it, the sooner I will feel like this is home.